Having Grown Up Asian

Therapy that affirms and supports Asian-American and Pacific-Islander (AAPI) communities…

Being Asian means a lot of things…

We might talk about racism – whether it’s something you’re facing now or something you’ve experienced in the past.

Maybe it’s the bullying you were a victim of during your childhood. Or the “bamboo ceiling” you run into at work today. (Oh, you’re not “leadership material,” they say.)

These early events are likely more traumatic than you’re aware of, and these current-day ones are traumas in the making.

They affect our happiness, self-esteem, and what we believe we can accomplish in our lives.

To unleash our potential as partners, leaders, and community members, we must address these wounds.

As a Vietnamese-American man, I’ve suffered these blows too. Through therapy and self-work, I untangled much of this mess inside of me.

I can help you, too.

Perhaps “othering” has left you dismayed.

It hurt to be left out of a group gathering or teased because of your eyes. It sucked to be an afterthought romantically or exoticized just for your physical features.

We often don’t recognize how these social experiences seep into our self-image. But by becoming conscious of how they’ve affected us, we can liberate ourselves.

I’ve been “othered” and excluded myself. It took some time, but I healed.

You can heal too.

Do you have childhood memories that still hurt?

I think all of us have those “lightbulb” memories, where we’re nearly transported back to that day.

For me, it was show-and-tell in first grade. I brought banana chips from Vietnam. (My favorite!) Not one of the other students would try one. I felt so rejected I cried.

I didn’t know how deeply memories affected my capacity to feel like I belonged. By unearthing the memory and dismantling its emotional power, I could let go of the pain.

You can heal.

We‘ll likely talk about your relationship with your parents.

Because the old country shaped them, their traumas passed down to you in what we call “intergenerational trauma.”

Trauma can manifest as overwhelming clinginess or selfishness so grand it edges on delusion. The insidiousness of trauma affects others while remaining invisible – unless you know how to see it.

Having gone on a healing journey that taught me about the trauma my parents experienced, I could cast off my mental shackles while growing in my compassion for them.

Would you like to speak freely?

There was always a sense of being different from white folks. They were “American,” and we were “Asian-American.”

And the recognition of how your parents were – how you treasured them, but they were seen as less than for not speaking English, hurt.

We can discuss how you’re relating to your partner.

It can be hard to be emotionally intimate when we aren’t taught how to talk about feelings. Our capacity to be spontaneous and authentic is hampered by the expectations from our parents to achieve and succeed.

Therapy allows you to be yourself, so you can finally breathe.

In the decade+ of healing I’ve done, I traveled the path of shedding the shame that stood in the way of expressing myself honestly to the ones I loved.

With a little bit of elbow grease, you can also speak openly with your partner.

What’s dating like for you?

As an Asian person, you probably have experienced being devalued for your ethnicity. Potential partners see you as boring, meek, or unsexy, all before you get to open your mouth.

Alternatively, partners might find you overly attractive. Not so much for who you are, but because of a stereotype about you and your people. It can lead to decreased self-esteem, frustration, and anger.

Luckily, by exploring these experiences in therapy, you can shed your baggage around them and find a partner that finds you precious for who you are.

As a Vietnamese man that has experienced his share of feeling invisible on the dating scene, I understand.

With the patience and compassion that comes from having “been there,” I’ll help you process your experiences to feel lighter and more ready to “put yourself back out there,” – with your best foot forward.

You’re an amazing prism of colors and experiences.

Somehow, as an Asian person, you’ve been made to feel like you’re just one thing.

The Asian stereotype followed you throughout your adolescence like a lingering scent.

High achieving. Unfeeling. Competitive.

Even though you ground it out – to make your parents proud… to get into a good college…

The stereotype still hurt. Because it was a way of flattening who you were… into a 2D image.

It was like an unwelcome skin that you tried to slough off, but a different person came to pin it back on you each time.

You fought against it – asserted your individuality, tried to prove to them and yourself that you are you, not that person.

You cultivated your interests and tried to become known for your talents or deeds, only to feel like fighting it was exhausting.

As you ascended into adulthood, you mellowed out, and yet the stereotype never fully unlodged itself from your mind.

Though more silent than ever, the habit of trying to be someone never quite went away. The pain of I’m not good enough as I am continued to motivate you to act even when you want to rest.

And so, you find yourself in your current predicament. A bit happier than you used to be, but still proving to yourself that you’re valid to some invisible audience.

It’s okay to let it all go. You were always valid. In your emotions and your thoughts — in your dreams and your desires.

You don’t have to prove yourself to anybody. I see you just as you are – infinitely complex. Rich and vivid.

If you stopped trying to please them and finally just let yourself be you, I think you’d see it too.

And at the end of the day…

You just want to be happy.

So go ahead… allow yourself to imagine the life you want.

I bet it’s within reach.

Shouldn’t we find out together?

Start your healing today. Call me to set up your free consultation: (919) 627-7329.